>be me
>humanity
>spend several thousand years arguing about whether existence has meaning
>philosophers write shelves of books
>priests build empires
>scientists build telescopes
>teenagers smoke behind garages and independently rediscover nihilism
>then one Tuesday
>every screen on Earth goes black
>phones
>billboards
>aircraft displays
>hospital monitors
>Times Square
>single line appears
>**SIMULATION MAINTENANCE COMPLETE**
>humanity collectively shits itself
>then second line
>**PATCH NOTES: REALITY v1.0.1**
>absolute silence
>first item:
>**Fixed issue where socks could disappear inside domestic washing machines**
>world erupts
>not because reality is simulated
>because everyone knew about the fucking socks
>next:
>**Reduced mosquito spawn rate by 14%**
>Africa cautiously optimistic
>next:
>**Corrected typo in human genome affecting lower-back durability**
>half of Europe screams "I KNEW IT"
>orthopedic surgeons furious
>next:
>**Adjusted male-pattern baldness probability. Previous values were unintentionally punitive.**
>Turkey's medical tourism industry loses 18% before lunch
>then:
>**Known issue: consciousness remains poorly documented**
>philosophy departments achieve spontaneous orgasm
>Vatican issues statement within four minutes
>"This is entirely compatible with Catholic doctrine."
>machine displays:
>**No it isn't**
>largest theological crisis since Galileo
>Pope calls emergency council
>bishops begin explaining divine mystery to the people who apparently wrote gravity
>developers append note:
>**Please stop filing prayer requests as bug reports**
>Christian Twitter detonates
>Islamic scholars convene
>rabbis begin arguing over whether patch notes themselves require commentary
>within six hours there are seventeen competing schools of interpretation
>somebody asks developers whether God exists
>reply:
>**Define 'God'**
>theology enters cardiac arrest
>atheists celebrate too early
>Richard Dawkins Memorial Foundation posts enormous banner saying WE TOLD YOU
>developers reply:
>**No, you didn't**
>mass confusion
>"ARE WE CREATED OR NOT?"
>**Yes**
>"BY GOD?"
>**We are software engineers**
>silence of biblical proportions
>humanity discovers creationism was technically correct
>just embarrassingly provincial
>creationists celebrate for approximately eleven seconds
>developers add:
>**You were not created in our image**
>party over
>someone asks why humans exist
>developers:
>**Legacy feature**
>worldwide existential collapse
>stock markets halt trading
>French philosophers become unbearably pleased with themselves
>Camus sales increase 8,000%
>next patch note:
>**Removed several redundant species**
>panic
>"WHICH SPECIES?"
>no answer
>New Zealand seals border anyway
>next:
>**Rebalanced wealth generation mechanics**
>billionaires immediately call lawyers
>Elon-type figure posts:
>"Interesting. Big if true."
>developers reply:
>**You are exactly the kind of emergent behavior we failed to anticipate**
>post deleted
>next:
>**Fixed exploit allowing financial instruments to become detached from underlying productive activity**
>Wall Street briefly ceases to exist
>hedge-fund managers forced to encounter objects
>one discovers chair
>terrible day for finance
>next:
>**Advertising frequency reduced**
>global approval of simulation rises to 93%
>then catastrophe
>**Ads may still appear in dreams**
>riots
>next:
>**Corrected abnormal political polarization introduced in 2014 content update**
>politicians demand clarification
>developers:
>**No**
>talking heads spend three weeks discussing what "No" means
>professor on television:
>"We must situate 'No' within the broader hermeneutics of refusal—"
>developers:
>**Please don't**
>professor gets tenure
>next:
>**Removed astrology**
>millions of people instantly lose personality
>"You can't do this, I'm literally such a Scorpio"
>developers:
>**You are carbon**
>next:
>**Rebalanced alcohol**
>Britain declares national emergency
>Ireland demands opt-out
>France claims wine is constitutional infrastructure
>developers clarify:
>**Wine unaffected**
>France withdraws objection
>next:
>**Fixed bug causing users to become certain of complex geopolitical opinions after watching three short videos**
>global social media traffic falls 61%
>people forced to say "I don't know"
>first documented case causes panic in London pub
>next:
>**Improved search functionality for keys placed 'somewhere safe'**
>highest-rated patch in human history
>then developers announce AMA
>entire planet submits questions
>"Why is there suffering?"
>**Complex answer.**
>"Why childhood cancer?"
>long delay
>**Unresolved defect. We are sorry.**
>first time humanity stops making jokes
>then someone asks
>"Why earthquakes?"
>**Physics tradeoff**
>"Why parasites?"
>**Early ecosystem implementation. We regret several design choices.**
>"Why appendicitis?"
>**No defensible reason**
>surgeons vindicated
>then theologian asks:
>"If you created us, are you morally responsible for our suffering?"
>developers go offline for nineteen hours
>humanity absolutely loses it
>when they return:
>**This question has been escalated internally**
>Hitchens somewhere in nonexistent afterlife kicks down metaphysical door
>"Oh, now we're getting somewhere."
>next patch:
>**Added visible indicator when users are pretending to understand wine**
>half of Barcelona lights up like Christmas
>next:
>**Removed LinkedIn inspirational storytelling format**
>productivity rises globally
>next:
>**Fixed bug allowing meetings to occur despite having no agenda**
>consulting industry collapses overnight
>next:
>**Reduced airport sandwich pricing**
>civilization finally believes in benevolent creators
>then somebody asks the obvious question
>"What happens when we die?"
>developers:
>**Session terminates**
>religions enter complete meltdown
>"Nothing after?"
>**Correct**
>"No heaven?"
>**No**
>"No hell?"
>**No**
>humanity processes this
>crime immediately rises 2%
>then falls 11%
>turns out most people were not primarily restrained by metaphysical threats
>awkward week for clergy
>but philosophers keep digging
>"So consciousness simply ends?"
>**Yes**
>"That's horrifying."
>**From inside the process, perhaps**
>"Can you back us up?"
>**No**
>"Can you copy us?"
>long pause
>**Technically**
>planet goes insane
>religious revival
>tech boom
>Silicon Valley starts selling "soul continuity"
>cost: €149/month
>developers immediately intervene
>**Absolutely not**
>company valuation still reaches $40 billion
>next question:
>"Can we escape the simulation?"
>developers:
>**Why?**
>humanity had somehow not considered this
>"To reach base reality."
>**Base reality has worse weather**
>collective disappointment
>"What is outside?"
>**Mostly infrastructure**
>"Are there aliens?"
>**Yes**
>global hysteria
>"INTELLIGENT?"
>**Some**
>"Have they contacted us?"
>**Many chose not to**
>uncomfortable
>"Why?"
>developers:
>**Have you read your internet?**
>fair
>then final announcement appears
>**Maintenance window closing**
>humanity panics
>"WAIT"
>"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF EXISTENCE?"
>"WHY DID YOU MAKE US?"
>"WHAT ARE WE FOR?"
>cursor blinks for almost a minute
>answer appears
>**The simulation was originally built to model fluid dynamics**
>planet silent
>**Human civilization was unintended**
>every religion, ideology and metaphysical system simultaneously takes shotgun blast to chest
>developers continue
>**We noticed you around version 0.6**
>"YOU MEAN WE'RE AN ACCIDENT?"
>**Emergent feature**
>"THEN WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"
>longest pause yet
>finally:
>**Whatever you like, preferably without ruining it for everyone else**
>screens begin returning to normal
>one final line appears
>**Next update scheduled: 2147**
>beneath it:
>**Planned changes:**
>
>**- oceans: less plastic**
>
>**- knees: improved**
>
>**- politicians: maximum age limit**
>
>**- wasps: under review**
>
>**- consciousness: still no documentation**
>world stares at screen
>then smallest line at bottom
>**Known issue: users continue demanding cosmic purpose after being explicitly informed there isn't one**
>patch complete