Frequently Asked Questions About Our ICE Loyalty Rewards Program
Thank you for your continued support of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement!
We know that America’s immigration system can be confusing, especially when you have spent several years loudly demanding that it be applied to other people. That’s why we’ve created this handy FAQ for members of the ICE Loyalty Rewards Program.
I have publicly supported aggressive immigration enforcement for years. Does this affect my immigration status?
No.
Even if I have been extremely supportive?
No.
I have defended ICE in interviews, podcasts, speeches, social media posts, and advocated extremely aggressive immigration enforcement.
Thank you for your support!
But when I said “illegal aliens,” I obviously didn’t mean British people.
Federal immigration law contains no “come on, you know what I meant” exemption.
What about having a British accent?
Not a visa.
Oxford vocabulary?
Not a visa.
Knowing what eschatology means?
Not a visa.
I have previously advocated ICE checkpoints in public places so that people unable to prove lawful presence can be immediately detained and deported.
Thank you for helping Americans understand our mission.
Is overstaying a visa really the same thing as illegal immigration?
We understand that “illegal immigration” can feel like an abstract political category when discussed beneath studio lighting. Our officers can provide an immersive explanation.
How immersive?
Airport holding facility.
But I am famous.
Congratulations.
I have hundreds of thousands of followers.
Congratulations.
I personally know important Republicans.
Congratulations.
I have appeared on television.
Congratulations.
Surely someone can make a phone call.
Someone already did.
What happens if I fail to attend my immigration hearing?
An immigration judge may issue a removal order.
What if I am a celebrated provocateur?
An immigration judge may issue a provocative removal order.
What if missing the hearing was itself an act of transgressive performance art intended to expose the contradictions of the administrative state?
The administrative state enjoyed your performance.
Can I appeal on grounds of irony?
No.
Hypocrisy?
No.
Dramatic irony?
No.
Situational irony?
No.
What if the irony is so exact that it seems to imply the existence of a malicious screenwriter?
The Department does not comment on the quality of the writing.
Surely citizenship is ultimately a matter of values, and identity; not paperwork?
It is paperwork.
My body entered from the United Kingdom, but my spirit has always resided in America?
We are only deporting your body.
I have historically encouraged people not to take institutions too seriously. Doesn’t mocking an institution weaken its authority over me?
No. But it explains a great deal.
I thought institutions should be challenged rather than automatically obeyed?
They may be challenged through the appropriate legal process.
I don’t like where this is going.
Neither did several million people, but you were very persuasive.
Will DHS announce my arrest publicly?
DHS routinely communicates information about immigration enforcement.
So, something dignified? “British national detained pending removal”?
Something like that.
You aren’t going to say I “overstayed my welcome,” are you?
Next question.
How can you say being detained was my “choice”?
Whether anything you have done was deliberate has been an open question since 2014.
You’re going to use my fucking mugshot, aren’t you?
Next question.
Please don’t turn me into content.
Your feedback is important to us.
Wait. Is my detention going to be used to advertise voluntary departure?
The United States encourages eligible unlawfully present aliens to take control of their departure.
Me? I’m the advertisement?
You offer several advantages to our communications team.
Such as?
High name recognition.
Christ.
Strong social-media engagement.
Oh no.
Immediate comprehension of the underlying policy issue.
Don’t.
And an unusually memorable demonstration that authoritarian machinery does not exempt the people who helped switch it on.
I feel there should be some recognition of my years of service to the cause.
There is.
Finally.
You have been upgraded to ICE Loyalty Rewards Platinum.
What does Platinum include?
Priority boarding.
My arrest has become an enormous story online.
That does not affect your immigration status.
Millions of people are laughing.
That does not affect your immigration status.
People who haven’t thought about me in ten years are crawling out of the woodwork specifically to laugh.
That does not affect your immigration status.
One of them just wrote “the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.”
