The Happiest Person Alive

My plane is in the middle of the air when a commotion belches out a few rows ahead, people shrieking, clapping, extend my neck to see what’s happening. There’s this dude kneeling in the aisle with a small box clutched in his palm. Guy’s doing a marriage proposal way above the ground.

In front of this guy is his woman, standing in the aisle, her hands classically over her mouth, her eyes jumping around the cabin.

“Grace, Grace! I have a special announcement to make. You’re the love that makes my heart soar. Will you marry me and make me the happiest person alive?”

Five seconds go by.

She lowers her hands, shakes her head. Half of the airplane gasps. Two babies cry. The rejected dude joins the symphony of wails.

The “sit your ass down” lights come on and aerial stewards fly to ask the broken couple to sit their asses down for their safety and comfort. But the airplane is full, the repudiated groom is forced to sit next to his repudiating maid, and I can see a column of steam emanating from the top of his baseball cap.

The sobs start doing such a creepy crescendo that the woman sitting next to me gets up, goes up to the groom and offers to exchange seats. In the blink of a tearful eye, turbulent Romeo sits next to me and my clothes go moist from the humidity of his tears.

must hurt to get shot down at 30,000 feet

“it’s cool”

were there no warning signs on the love radar

“it’s cool”

how are you holding up after your crash landing

“look, i’m fine, i can navigate heartbreak, i come from a big family, we know what matters, my great-grandfather Tom Gutierrez, you know the “pull my finger” prank, he invented the “pull my finger” prank”

he what

“yes my great-grandfather Tom Gutierrez invented the legendary “pull my finger” prank. after his sister died in a unicycle crash he invented it, and pulled his parents out of depression”

i presume you mean he did so literally

“no no they were the ones who pulled”

of course

“of course”

i can only imagine the prestige that comes with such a heritage

“yeah sometimes they give me a free upgrade to business class”

how fitting

“or they put me at the back of the plane, depending on which area is emptier”. (he started crying again)

so does your family legacy bring any comfort during heartbreak?

“my dude, love doesn’t care how many fingers you can pull. i guess i was cruising solo on this flight of fancy”

At that point, a warning sound came on and all the oxygen masks came down. I could see the heir smiling through his mask. A lady across the aisle who looked like Mel Gibson was scared shitless, and he reached out a finger towards her, staring her benevolently in the eyes and nodding his head, taking off again, towards being made the happiest person alive.