My Career with the Pope and Horses and CEOs

Franco says I need to focus, so today I’ll start this journal to think of new projects I can focus on, dedicate my life to.

I’ve ruled out starting a contemporary art museum, because I’d have to throw away all the artwork after ten years.

I could bet on horses instead.

What if I don’t win?

Well I’ll get to wear obnoxious clothes at the races.

I mean at least I’ll try. And just who doesn’t love a ridiculous hat?!??

A cop. You’d get pulled over:

“License and registration please”

“Officer I was doing 32 kilometers per hour”

“License and registration please”

“Officer is it because of the dead badger on my head”

“License and registration please”

“Officer we got off on the wrong foot, let me tell you a joke”


“What’s small, furry, and hates sex?”

“License and reg..”

“The other dead badger I have back in the trunk”

So I should become a lawyer and help people who are unjustly put on trial by an unjust justice system.

No, because it won’t make me any less liable for the dead badgers, in the eyes of the law. It’s like becoming a doctor in the hope that you don’t get cancer. Cancer doesn’t care if you’re a doctor, and the law doesn’t care if you’re a lawyer. You’re still vulnerable to cancer or the electric chair, or both, and you’ll drop dead anyway.

Which in a sense is fine, because the planet’s overpopulated. “Overpopulated” means that there are too many people, but “overpopulated” could also mean that there are too many popes, I think, as it’s like a shorthand for “over the pope limit”.

And the funny thing here is that the adjective for “pope”, is, get this, “popeless”. So that means the Vatican is, literally, a popeless country.

Can you believe that the most popeless country in the world is more popeless than the ones you previously thought were the popeless. Basically, the less you’re influenced by the Vatican, the less popeless you are.

This right here is the kind of thing that makes Franco bananas and Mom cry. “Cameron”, she goes, my mom, “Cameron, you start fourty nine different things at the same time, you’re an ideas man, but you never finish any of them, Cameron, you have to accomplish something with your life” and my job at the bike shop just isn’t an accomplishment that she’s willing to take in as an accomplishment. Franco says the same thing. In a sense, they’re right.

In a sense, they can also suck my dick.

Here’s what I can be. I can be a counsellor. A consultant. I would have the world’s most renowned consultancy firm. I’d be offering and implementing recommendations based on deep analysis, unique resources and broad international experience. My fame would be such that top managers of huge companies would be on a long waiting list to get a 30 minute meeting with me so that I can advise them on issues of strategy, organization, technology, and operations.

Then they come to meet me at an office I’d rent near a McDonald’s. I’ll have a really high ceiling, dark green velvet carpet, and six computer monitors on my desk, blinking all the time. The CEO of Google would come into my office, to get my advice on trends, drones, China, their correlation with the NADSAQ. Sits down, explains. I’d listen for ten minutes with a straight face, my left eye staring into theirs, and when they’re done I’d give the following advice: “ok well what you gotta do is suck my dick”.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said what you gotta do is suck my dick”

“No, I mean really”

“Yes, I mean really. There’s a McDonald’s nearby, we can use their bathroom”

The trick is that they’d have to sign a badass NDA before the meeting, preventing them from disclosing the contents of the meeting to anybody whatsoever. And this can totally work, because if you’re the CEO of a billion dollar company, and you paid eighty thousand dollars plus tax in advance, and were made to wait in line for six months, for a thirty minute meeting in which you were basically told to suck my dick, then the best revenge you could get is to let your peers go through it too and laugh your ass off. They wouldn’t be able to expose me anyway because of the NDA, and they wouldn’t take me to court because they’ll look really stupid and their stock will tank. And anyway I’ll deny everything in court; it’ll end up being their word against mine.

And since only the nastiest backstabbing dickheads end up as CEOs anyway, they’re also likely to even encourage their peers to go consult with me. Who knows, maybe I’ll even get my dick sucked in the end.

But first I’d need to create the required hype, and for that I’d need to be friends with some key CEOs, and that’s not gonna happen because they’re not likely to come into the shop to get their bikes fixed. This guy came in the other day, he really looked like Bill Gates except he was wearing a wifebeater and he wasn’t Bill Gates.