The Flavour of Facts

Guy goes to an ice cream shop, walks up, peculiarly goes:

“Do you have cucumber ice cream please”

“Nn-what? Cucum… We don’t.. We don’t have cucumber ice cream here”

“Ah ok thanks”

Walks out.

Next day, same guy goes to the ice cream shop, big line, he stands in line for 20 minutes, finally gets to the counter, and orders:

“Do you have cucumber ice cream please”

“Hi there. We don’t have cucumber ice cream, sorry”

“Oh ok, ok, well that’s my luck”. Waves and walks out.

The next day the ice cream shop was shut so we don’t know if he would have showed up.

But be assured that on the following day, just as the ice cream shop was lifting its shutters, there’s our guy.

“cucumber ice cream please”

“sorry we don’t do cucumber. But we have some good vanilla, and why don’t you try our chocolate or strawberry, they go well with…”

“Ah ok, right but I wanted to know if you had cucumber.”

He stares at the floor and breathes slowly, heavily.

Walks out.

The owner finds this somewhat pitiful and decides to make cucumber ice cream that night.

Finds and prepares the right cucumbers, spices, etc., stays up until 3, ultimately ends up with a tub of that legendary, creamy, light green, cucumber ice cream.

Business as usual the next day, big line forms, people point at the cucumber ice cream, one person tries it but it’s not a runaway success.

The cucumber guy joins the line, waits for his turn. When the owner sees him he nods with the confidence of an emperor. His triumph assured.

It’s our guy’s turn to order.

“Do you have cucumber ice cream now please”

“Well, better believe it, yes we do. Would you…”

“Tastes like shit, doesn’t it?”

“Tastes like what?”

“Like shit. Like fucking vegan vomit fried in engine oil. Don’t know which retard thought it’d be an idea to make that gunk, I wouldn’t feed it to a dog dying with cancer”

“Look my friend, look me in the eye, I stayed up till three in the morning last night to serve your request and make this ice cream because I know you care about this craft and I want to serve my dedicated…”

“I don’t care”

“customers… why don’t you taste it. You’re expressing this opinion but you haven’t tested it”

“I don’t need to test it”

“Look this is not the internet, this is real life, and if you want, your opinion, on something, to be taken seriously, when you express it, in the proximity, right next to the thing, the thing you’re talking about, then you need to show you have experienced the thing itself”

“I don’t need that”

“Well then you have no credibility”

“But why do I need credibility”

“For your claims to have any weight”

“No I think it’s self-evident that cucumber ice cream tastes bad”

“You can’t say that if you haven’t tasted it.”

“Fine let me taste it”

The owner scoops up some ice cream, puts it in a cup on the counter, and as the guy is about to grab it the owner stabs him in the arm with an ice cream cone and hurls the tub of cucumber ice cream onto his face, splattering half of it across the floor.

The experience had a profound effect on the cucumber guy; he realised that knowledge is not acquired through mere observation or hearsay, but rather through personal experience. He became an empiricist, learning to rely on his own senses to gain understanding of the world around him.

Life is full of moments that can teach us valuable lessons, but it’s up to us to recognize and learn from them.

The altercation was diligently filmed by five other patrons, promptly posted to social media, and had gathered a cumulative total of 458 views at time of going to press.

But the lesson learned by the guy remained with him, for life is a journey of personal discovery and growth, and no one can truly understand something until they have experienced it for themselves.

YouTube’s algorithms detected that a song by Michael Jackson was playing in the background of the video of the altercation, resulting in ads being added to it.