Shit, I can no longer have a decent wank. I’m in my campervan, Fajeever[**] the trailer, and it rocks and squeaks every time I jerk off. I need to make people believe that I’m not jerking off in here. So when I’m done I’ll yell “oh baby that was great”.
Oh! Oh baby! That was great!
Bay! Bee! Oh!
Haha, stealthy as fuuck, the name’s Bond, Trailer Bond.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE ALONE!”
Fuck is that the neighbours?
Thump, sudden, scary, and loud, on the window I’m resting my head on. They’ve hurled a shoe at me, or their cat.
Now it’s all silent again in the parking lot. It’s not even bedtime, it’s like ten, but I won’t check my phone to verify. I know I’ll compulsively check Tinder. I’ve already exceeded my daily quota of likes and I know nobody has responded to my virtuoso pickup lines
What do you call it when batman leaves church early?
“Lol I don’t know… Batjesus?”
Success rate is generally low so is the joke not funny? Or is it the profile picture of me on Fajeever the trailer? Could it be the bio:
Travelling vibraphonist. I like cooking soufflés and can do a believable impression of Groucho Marx. If you believe in the horoscope and like dancing reggaeton go play with a fork and an electric plug.
Be yourself, they said. Honesty is the best policy, they said.
Peddlers of such bullshit must own stocks in porn, if porn stocks floated on the stock market
Loud banging at the door interrupts my introspection. Very loud banging. Too late to pretend I’m sleeping or not home inside Fajeever the trailer; whoever is at the door is able to hear the porn now playing from my laptop; if I were to turn it off now they’d be able to tell not only that I’m actually inside, but also that I am a coward.
And that would hurt my image.
My only choice is to put my boxers on and interact with a fellow member of the friendly community presently hosting me. Smile.
Yes good evening, how are you
“Hey what the fuck is your problem man”
Excuse me
“You’re parked in my alley, you’re blocking my fucking alleyway”
Excuse me
“Are you fucking high”
Sir
“Move the fucking van out”
No problem, sir, no need to shout, I’ll be out in a little second there.
Slam the door in his member of his barbarian community face. Driver’s seat. Seat belt. Key in. Neutral. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Fajeever lights on. Hang on. The porn’s still on, noticeably. Must turn it off, don’t want to be sowing screams of fake pleasure on my path. This town deserves a better soundscape. Despite the way it treats artists like me. I retreat within Fajeever, move the mouse cursor towards the video’s pause button, a front thump is felt and I’m thrown towards the driver’s seat. Fajeever descended into the Fiat parked 5 meters away. I was parked on a slight hill, I realise now. So does the friendly community member, staring at me, in awe, throughout Fajeever’s windscreen. He now laughs and pulls his phone out to plough his facebook with a picture of Fajeever assaulting the Fiat, which will count as evidence against me if used outside of context.
Pick up my can of berries, exit Fajeever, and walk towards him.
Dude please delete the picture.
“I’m filming this. I’m totally filming this. It’s 3am on June 14, two thousand seventeen, we’re at 4140 Fedfer Avenue, an individual has driven a recreational vehicle into my neighbour’s María Concharoja’s Fiat, the front has been damaged”
Dude please delete that now
“You can see the invididual right now, in front of me, exhibiting erratic behaviour”
Berry smoothie for this fellow. I spray his face. He screams.
It’s just pepper spray, sir, you’ll be fine in a few minutes.
I grab the phone from his hand, he’s clenching it. Delete the recent video. Get inside Fajeever, turbines to speed, leave town quickly, sowing screams of double penetration along my path.
Reaching outskirts. Night will be spent on the side of a rural side road, at a convenient distance from my next town.
Ho yes. Not one, but two, red notification icons next to the tinder icon, two matches and one message. Lovely first thing in the rural side road morning. Open first one. Name’s Mercedes. View profile. Pics. Solid 2.
Hey! Your name’s Mercedes?
“Hey”
“Yes :-)”
Like Hitler’s car?
The chat log suddenly disappears and I’m back on the match list. Unmatched I’ve been.
Next.
She’s the one who messaged me already.
“Heeyyyy”
That was an hour ago. Seriously what the fuck. Couldn’t she at least ask about the vibraphone or my Groucho Marx impression. Seriously, they don’t bother to read or comment my profile and then they bitch about me not caring about their personality. But hey tinder beggars can’t be chosers.
Mellie. View profile. Pics. It’s a 4. This year’s high score is 4. Why is it I only harvest 4s and transexuals.
Heyyyy watsup
Always add a question otherwise they don’t respond
How’s your day going? I see you’re up early
“Nice van”
Thanks. His name’s Fajeever
Because he’s for jiving
“Lol ok”
Ok here we go. Aim.
What do you call it when batman leaves church early?
“Hahahaa I don’t know”
Christian Bale
“OMG HAHAHAHAHAH”
lol
“What goes black, pink, black, pink, black, pink… white?”
ooh I don’t know
“Batman jerking off!”
Snot spontaneously exits my nose. That’s the sign of a really really good joke. And it came out of nowhere. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
That’s a really really good joke Mellie!
“yeah i do my research”
What else do you research?
“Lots of stuff.”
Well I’d love to know more.
What’s a good spot for busking in this town?
“lolllll I don’t know, try burton boulevard”
Alright cheers I’ll be playing some tunes there later on this afternoon, come say hi
“hahahaaha”
wear a cape
“lol ok”
Meeting adjourned. This went well. Now breakfast.
Plan itinerary to Burton Boulevard.
Vibraphoning on Burton Boulevard. Ha. Guitarring on Hendrix Street. Green Street, more like it. Grant me some tunes and decent revenue, I’m sick of tuna and tinder for breakfast.
So I’ll park Faj in the supermarket on the corner of Evans and Tanzelli, roll the vibes, what, three hundred meters, and I guess there must be a spot facing that little park on Burton. Sunday afternoon, sunny, should be fruitful. Hopefully renew that brazzers subscription.
Driver’s seat. Seat belt. Key in. Neutral. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Fajeever’s moving.
Fedfer is a cute town. Gotta say. Everyone’s out today. Super sunny. Here’s Tanzelli. And here’s the supermarket. And here’s my parking spot. And… Faj is parked.
Roll the vibraphone down to street level, onto cart, off we go. Pull cart towards Burton. Sun’s shining.
Wait… spot’s taken?
The fuck. Living statue of Batman. Are you shitting me.
His main gimmick is a whistle? He whistles every time someone drops a coin in his… batmobile? why the fuck not a hat like normal people.
Thing is, Burton’s not that long, the only doable spot is.. where Batman is.
Hey dude, is it ok if I pitch here too
“Feeep feeeyouuuueeee”
Hhahaha yeah that’s cool man is it ok if I just do my thing like alongside you
“Feeeeeeep feeeeeeeeep no get lost fuckface”
Super cool whistle man, haha. ha
Stark knight won’t budge.
Notice dog looking inside trash can next to park entrance
Hey man is it cool if I park the vibes next to you, the rope for pulling the cart needs repairing
“feeeeep youu”
I guess that military salute means “yes”
Untie the rope from the cart. walk towards dog. open can of tuna, place it on the floor next to dog. Let him lick it. While dog’s busy licking the tuna, tie rope to its tail. Pick up can from the floor, walk back towards batman, luring dog along
Hey man check out this little fellow I found, I found robin, haha!
“feeeeeee”
Kneel down and start feeding tuna again to the dog.
Hey what do you call it when batman leaves church early?
“feeee”
Christian Bale!
“feefeefeefeeee feeee”
Batman’s losing it, laughs loudly, distracted. Tie rope to batmobile’s tailfin. Spray pepper spray into dog’s anus.
Dog shoots off into park dragging batmobile along
“Hey what the FUCK MAN”
Kicks me in the face. Steel toe construction boot. Shit hurts.
Small crowd. Argument.
“Why did you kick him”
“He tied the batmobile to a dog’s tail and irritated its anus to sink it in the pond”
“Sir is that true”
Look straight in the eyes of compassionate community member
I.. I have no idea what he’s talking about… he just kicked me
Angry villagers drive batman out of town
“Oh the vibraphone is yours? Can you play us something”
Yeah how about fee, fee, fee… figaro’s aria, from the barber of
“Can you do wonderwall?”
Sure
“To-day is gonna be the day that they’re gonna do dee da doo doo”
Cash flows in. Supermarket beer section on the way back to Faj shall receive my visit. May even renew brazzers subscription for not one, but two months.
Is that Mellie
Yeah chunky girl with the cape, Mellie, that’s her
Exchange glances while playing
Set’s over and she’s still around. Approaches.
“I loved the jazz, where did you learn”
School and YouTube.
“Cool”
So did you research lots of good stuff today?
“Yeah I researched quipsters”
What?
“Quipsters”
You researched quipsters..? I don’t understand
“Come on.. A five year old would understand. Now someone fetch me a five year old”
Hahaaaha! Groucho!
“Yeah that’s my research. What happened to your face, there’s a big bruise”
I got the kicking I deserved. Not the one I needed.
“What? Where are you staying ?”
With Fajeever!
“What? Oh your van! Will you haul that back on the cart? Do you need a hand?”
I kinda do. I normally pull the cart with a rope, but now there’s just too little rope left.
“…”
So yeah please hold the vibes and what’s left of the rope onto the cart, while I pull
“So you want me to help you push some rope…”
What
“What”
Supercool girl actually, helping me carry the vibes and weight of the day. Arrive at Faj. Haul the vibes inside of Faj. She follows me in and locks the door.
Fajeever rocks and squeaks along. Loudly, and for the right reason.
The rocking is hammering the vibes
“Mommy ice cream yay!”
Kids with false hopes outside
She comes, I come, parents come and yell at kids.
The vibes fade out. Mellie and I do too.