This sketch is a meditation on meditation, or more precisely, on the absurd, relentless nature of the mind. Co-written with my friend Arthur Lemon, it captures the dissonance between the intention to cultivate stillness and the chaotic reality of inner life.
What begins as a practice of peaceful attention is quickly derailed by memory, song lyrics, sexual frustration, mortality, and whatever else the mind decides to throw in. Sam Harris, a Militant Atheist and Meditation Guru, described the experience as follows:
Your mind is the most rambling, chaotic, needling, insulting, insufferable person you will ever meet. It’s like having some maniac walk through the front door of your house and follow you from room to room and refuse to stop talking.
Here’s an attempt to portray this scene.
MEDITATOR
(counting breaths) One, two, three, four…
STREAM
When the night / has come / and the light / is dark
MEDITATOR
Ah it’s that song. OK I’m observing that song.
STREAM
And the moon…
MEDITATOR
Is the only light you’ll see
(they continue singing together)
MEDITATOR (CONT'D)
Aghhh, no, get out! I’m meditating! I need to come back to the moment!!
MEDITATOR
Whatever arises is okay. Don't try to change or fix anything, just see clearly.
STREAM
I want that manu chao hat the peruvian one even though manu chao is not from peru, but that hat would look good on me and it’s probably very easy to fit tightly on the head given it’s got those two straps that you can pull on
MEDITATOR
i guess they’re also like reins for blowjobs, for modulating the proceedings and i haven’t had a blowjob in about three
STREAM
Three months
MEDITATOR
Aghhh not again, i got lost in thought. This breath is a new beginning
STREAM
I need to call my mother
MEDITATOR
This is a thought. Return to the breath.
STREAM
I’m not ready for the day my mother will die
MEDITATOR
Of course I am ready
STREAM
Yeah sure you have a spotify playlist ready and everything
STREAM
(from edge, brandishing a vacuum cleaner)
How can you expect to clean your mind if your room is a mess?
STREAM
You need to fart
MEDITATOR
Thought passes like a cloud in the sky
STREAM
This thing is bulging in your stomach and is ready for detonation
MEDITATOR
I am not my thoughts
STREAM
Bro you're not meditating you're holding a hostage.
MEDITATOR
I welcome all things... even internal combustion.
STREAM
Emission control, standing by. Ignition sequence start. Trajectory locked. Civilians clear. Five, four, three, two, one
STREAM
(tickling MEDITATOR with a feather)
Scratchy scratchy, wow, this really itches.
MEDITATOR
Observe the sensation. Don't scratch.
(loud coughing sound is heard)
MEDITATOR (CONT'D)
Did you hear this? Can you believe this? That person is such a terrible meditator. They gave in to their bodily needs. They can't control their mind. Unlike me. I have achieved perfect equanimity.
STREAM
(tickling MEDITATOR again)
Luckily you've got hands to scratch this itch. Which itches.
MEDITATOR
Do not react. There is no such thing as an eternal itch.
MEDITATOR (CONT'D)
I don't wanna die from this. Humanity needs me.
STREAM
(holding a skull)
Look what I found buried deep within you
MEDITATOR
In, out
STREAM
Yeah you're out. You're out of time. Your time is gone. You were never good enough. You're gonna die.
MEDITATOR
That is a thought.
STREAM
(places the skull on MEDITATOR’s lap)
Feel the weight of your mortality.
MEDITATOR
Why is it wet?
STREAM
That's not important.
MEDITATOR
I'm in the present.
STREAM
(pointing to the skull)
The present is just a countdown to this
STREAM (CONT'D)
Your left eyebrow is uneven!
MEDITATOR
Ah, five whole minutes without a single thought. I am achieving enlightenment.
STREAM
You're feeling so serene.
MEDITATOR
I really am quite advanced.
STREAM
You are pure consciousness, you can feel the pure awareness.
MEDITATOR
(pointing at himself)
Yes I have transcended reality.
STREAM
Yes you completely transcended the illusion of thought and merged with the cosmic consciousness.
MEDITATOR
Look at this total mental silence.
STREAM
You are witnessing the very essence of meditation, the complete absence of any mental content whatsoever.
MEDITATOR
(frustrated)
These are thoughts, I've been thinking about the observer observing the observer observing nothing.
STREAM
(To the tune of Clandestino)
Sola, va mi trama
Pensar es mi reflejo
Aunque quiera soltar
Me senté a meditar
Mi mente se escapó
Entre el pensar y divagar
De mi mente sin control
Me dicen: El Pensativo
Yo soy el quiebra zen
Autoengaño, clandestino
Tren de caos, clandestino
Pensamiento, ILEGAL